Before this series of X Factor kicked off, I had a feeling I knew how it would go. I’d be moderately interested in the contestants, sure, but mainly I’d be fixated on a brunette on the judging panel.
I’d appreciate just how unconcerned she looked with getting Simon’s approval and her overall fierceness and I would develop a MONUMENTAL girl crush on her.
When I heard that she had got the gig, I had expected Mel as a newcomer to the panel to take it easy for year one. To be the bridesmaid to Cheryl’s X Factor bride; the Frenchie to her Sandy; the Dionne to her Cher-in-Clueless.
Oh god, I even thought she would form one of those B-list judge alliances with Louis.
I know. I know. I’m so ashamed.
It’s made worse too by the fact that I was a ‘90s teen.
I watched the ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ video at least 25 times on The Box. I once listened to nothing but ‘Wannabe’ for about four months.I had a small plastic model of Geri that I carried around in my school bag! I know the power of a Spice Girl.
I should have known too that when it comes to that judging panel, Scary Spice would only be on it if she was going to (in that odd X Factor language that is spoken nowhere in the world but in that studio: see also ‘on point’) ‘own it’.
And own it, she has.
“What am I? F***ing chopped liver?” she sniped earlier in the series when she got sick of everyone fawning over Cheryl.
And at that moment, something became brilliantly clear, which was that Mel B didn’t leave her moods at home.
She didn’t have an X Factor face; she just had the same one she’d had when she had her porridge this morning, or argued with her bloke in the taxi on the way there, whether that was smiley, grumpy, sarcastic or er, really mean about someone being poorly.